Shift Happens

So….if I’m going to start this open and full transparency….I have put off writing this for months. I was invited to write about my journey in this dating world in my late thirties ( 37 is late, right?) and how I’ve been navigating. I was shook. The only time that I’ve put my thoughts to paper is in my prayer journal…usually when I don’t have the strength to utter my prayers a loud and to keep it truly between me and God…the prayers are my navigation through this dating world…since I turned 30. Literally 8 journals later….please don’t judge me. This is tough enough. However I’m here….finally thugging it out and fulfilling my word. Still shook. I once heard a sermon and the great man of God said “if you are scared then do it anyway! God will give you everything you need to see it though!” Here goes….

So I’ve had some boyfriends, right? However it has been since the age of 26 since I had a REAL boyfriend…I met him at 19 first day back to the yard….7 years later. I was tired. Throughout we had our ups and downs. He cheated. I cried. Took him back. Repeat. Don’t you dare judge me. You been there too. Young and nose wide open. If you are my age you remember that “shift” that happens in your mid 20’s-You. Want. More. I thought we were good….but after I realized he was still up to no good….I was done DONE. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all bad. Our families loved each other, I was Auntie to his Nephew, and hell I was even in the funeral family procession when his uncle died. We were in love…we got in our groove of doing life together after college. It was good; mutual friends, game nights, family events, etc …however…I thought I was the only “baby” in his life….nah chief….I will leave that there for another time. It was time to move on….

Moved on I did. Even moved to a different state. Started over fresh…and I have not had a real serious committed relationship since. I came across a man that was a good dude, but never experience real life shit and when life hit them fast and hard he nutted up like a little 12 yr old boy and couldn’t take life and a supportive girlfriend. I dated the man who had major Daddy issues and didn’t trust women because his ex-wife cheated and the son he loved so much was not his…..I dated the older man that looked damn good on paper, financially stable, was fine as hell and boring as a butter knife. Don’t get me wrong I had some fun in and between time….(shout out to that young tender thang! Who…..is now married WTF?!?) but I was always looking for the one…..I have to say I have always been open to love.

So you remember that shift I mentioned earlier, right? That shift in your mid-twenties….well that shift happens again. You making a little more money, folks is getting married, having 2 and 3 babies and you are…solo dolo. I knew then and I know now I’m a good catch, but what the hell? Why isn’t it happening for me?

It took one relationship a few years ago to literally break me all the way down to nothing. Y’all! You could not tell me he wasn’t it! I look back at it now, and I can only think of one word to describe the space that I was in: desperation. There. I said it. I had to accept that, and that was one helluva pill to swallow. Only God could build a new me and that’s exactly what had to happen. I had to trust God with my heart first. I realized I was broken and had to go deep. A lot of solitude, more prayer journaling, tears, bible reading, devotionals, sticky notes, more tears, bible study, more sticky notes, and a good trusted small group of wisdom women around me. It took time, a lot of time; probably 2 years. Yep…but I got through to the other side.

Then I turned 35. The “shift” happened again. This time it was welcomed! I was fore warned by my beautiful aunt. Her words to me were “35 is beautiful. The light bulb turns ON at 35.” Boy did it ever.